Category Archives: Health & Lifestyle

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C – part V

Many wounds were healed within me as I held Inky in my arms, I didn’t sleep that first night in hospital after she was born. I was soooo elated. I finally knew and FELT the meaning of the expression ‘I felt like all my Christmases had come at once.’ I stayed a further night in hospital because of my c-section, and again, I could hardly sleep because I had that excited feeling in my tummy like when your’e a kid and you just can’t sleep because something really exciting is going to happen. Though I had one of those cots that attach to the hospital bed, my girly still ended up snuggled right up next to me and I couldn’t get enough of looking at her face when she was asleep. I knew I should try and sleep but that’s impossible when the best thing ever has happened to you and you’re floating on cloud 9…. I was worried when the midwife came to see me on her rounds, she would tell me off, as according to ‘official’ advice co-sleeping is so unsafe (yeah right). However, when she did stop by I was already apologising for having my baby in bed with me, she actually ENCOURAGED me to co-sleep and said it was the safest and best place for a baby to be! Nuff said.

My mums boyfriend actually paid for me to stay in a private room at my request. I wanted these moments all to myself, not interrupted by the cries of other babies, lol. Nor didn’t I want to potentially witness anyone who had had a baby and was unhappy. Believe me, I’ve met a few people like that in my life, and it breaks my heart. If women who didn’t appreciate/love/want their babies / saw them as an inconvenience, actually knew the heart ache of still birth they may perhaps appreciate and SEE the miracle a baby is.

I was released pout of hospital after 2 nights and I felt so proud leaving hospital with my girly, her first car ride. My Mum picked us up. I was so elated to be going home with my live, healthy baby. It was like teh most amazing dream come true. Ever. On top of that, I was somewhat surprised and happy that I hardly felt any pain from surgery at all. I didn’t even have to take co-deine like last time with J. Just 6 days of paracetamol instead of the recommended 10. I didn’t even have morphine like last time with J. The natural high, the baby moon, the endorphin’s coursing through me were my medicine. My gorgeous, perfect daughter cleansed my soul and restored my heart and my faith that amazing things could still happen to me. I breastfed my little girly for years and co-slept with her. I never thought I’d ever have another baby. I didn’t ever want to risk it again. I couldn’t deal with losing another baby now that I knew what it felt like to love my own living flesh and blood. I thought I’d always be content with it being just Inky and I forever… But then I didn’t know that I would fall in love with THE best man in the world when Inky was 5, and that we would actually have another baby…. nearly 3 years later, when Inky was 8….

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C – PART 1

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part IV

I can’t fault the NHS with the care I had during and after my 2nd pregnancy, but I DIDNT WANT IT. I just done it because I was scared. I felt powerless and like I had no control over what was being done to my body. Like I had to listen to the system that was responsible for damaging my soul and killing my first born in the first place. However, like I said I cant fault the care and attention I received with my second pregnancy. I have to add that it felt surreal feeling paralyzed from the waist down during the c-section, yet feeling  things going on. I must confess that I was so nervous about the cesarean that when I glanced over my shoulder and they were coming at me from behind with this big fat needle when I was sat on the operating table, legs dangling down, that I actually jumped straight off it and said ‘F*** this I’m going home’, but my Mum managed to calm me. I hadn’t slept the night before, I was petrified of something going wrong and this baby dying too. I was also super duper hungry (not allowed to eat before surgery – apparently its unusual for anyone to be hungry whilst being operated on, but I kept saying I was hungry lol). My mind was racing and I was physically shaking. She told me to think about my Grandad, whom I had loved so much and who had passed away exactly 3 weeks ago, and my beloved Maxi horse and J… I actually found inner peace from somewhere and calmed right down as I looked in to my Mums eyes. Then I just let it all happen to me. I even had my own playlist of songs.  Before I had the c-section I asked a friend who had had one as well how it felt – she likened it to the feeling of someone rummaging around in your handbag whilst its still hung on your shoulder. Spot on. At one point I remember hearing something like the sound of scissors cutting through my abdomen and even said jokingly that it sounded like scissors – they are scissors I was told. I remember my Mum suddenly shouting kind of excitedly that she could see my insides! ‘So you love me inside out now Mum’ I said jokingly. When they lifted my baby out I remember Mum tearfully announcing that the baby was a girl… WOW.  When Mum passed her to me, I was overjoyed to finally hold my beautiful girl and look at her sweet, gorgeous, animated, alive face. It took me a while to get her latched on to my breast for her first ever feed – looking back I’m sure it was because of all the drugs pumping around my system that had passed in to her…. my 6lbs 7oz little wonder girl. My constant companion for the last 38 weeks 🙂 The little person I already knew so well and whos life was so precious to me   ♥

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part V

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C – back to part 1

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part III

Upon returning from Brazil I started dating someone for a couple of months, but it fizzled out. I hadn’t really thought about my period in weeks and suddenly realised it was late…. I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. I was terrified. The sad thing is, being one of 5 siblings I’d always thought having a baby was pretty straight forward. My Mum had us all naturally. She did have an ectopic pregnancy in 1989 and lost her left tube, but still want on to have 2 more healthy baby’s. Little did I know that I too would have an ectopic pregnancy this year February, and also have a tube removed. You can read more about that HERE … back to my story though. Like I said I was terrified. I would never have planned to have another baby ever again after my first experience, but I also knew that if I ever did fall pregnant I would have that little baby and hopefully nothing bad would happen to me or them and if everything turned out OK this time, I couldn’t even picture how overjoyed I’d be. Even thinking about hospitals produced such fear and anxiety in me and I was so deathly afraid of ever going back to hospital that I wanted a home birth. One meeting with the consultant (a male who will of course never experience pregnancy let alone giving birth) and I changed my mind. He asked me if I was crazy and that the same thing could happen again as no cause had ever been found. I was instantly backed in to a corner, believing what he said and feeling like I had no control over my body and what I really wanted. He made me feel irresponsible for even thinking such things. I was 23 and very easily swayed, so I felt I had no choice but do what this man wanted. I had regular scans, blood tests, monitoring – all the things I just DIDN’T want and I DIDN’T realise WEREN’T mandatory. I was assigned the most lovely midwife, Lisa, who would be my ‘mentor’ the whole way and also would be present at the planned c-section mid September 2005….

My Mum was also there the whole time to support me, normally she questions everything, but as she had been present during my traumatic ordeal with my first born J, she said to go with what the hospital said. Also as the guy whom I had been dating was not interested in having a baby at this time in his life and it was me, my little bump, Mum and family supporting me. I So I was booked in first thing in the morning on a day in September 2005 to have a planned c-section, although every fibre in my body didn’t want it. But at the same time I just couldn’t wait to meet this little person, yet I was afraid of being cut opebnagain, the pain, the fear of loss…my heart and soul surely wouldn’t be able to take anymore bad things happening… I had countless check ups, monitors attached to me, blood tests etc. I done everything they asked…..

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part IV

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part I….

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part II

I couldn’t comprehend how I had outlived my baby already. It’s meant to be the other way round. I was at that age where I’d never had any serious set backs in life and still felt ‘invincible’, like nothing bad could ever happen to me. The worst thing ever had happened…. I also had to see the consultant, Dr E, at Worthing Hospital, many times because they were trying to find out how my body ’caused’ this… they never found anything. The post-mortem showed nothing, they had ‘accidentally’ incinerated the placenta so couldn’t look at that… my Mum wanted to take it further so I said she could. The consultant TOLD us we’d never win as NHS staff stick together! That was him admitting they f****d up right then and there. I let Mum request the notes – many pages missing. After that I just kinda didn’t have the strength to carry on. My mum left it. I felt so damaged on the deepest level that I stopped seeing my family for about 2 years because it was too agonising. I couldn’t even meet my own gaze in the mirror anymore… the only thing that kept me going was my horse Max, whom I’d had since I was 12. My bestest friend. There for me, gently resting his head against me whilst I would try and cry, I so wanted to let out my grief, but it was so deep rooted that I just couldn’t. My now ex didn’t want to talk about J after about a month after he died 🙁 It really hurt that he just didn’t want another baby, though that is what I really wanted and needed…It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my last and wanted a home birth that my new amazing midwife brought along J’s intact notes and I was so shocked to see that it was pretty much written there what happened, and that we had been right! She even told me that I could and should still take it further, that I had 25 years to! Anyways, back to teh past – having a boyfriend who, looking back, probably didn’t know how to deal with our loss either meant that over another 2 and a half years we drifted apart ever more and things got so bitter and horrid that I left him after he cheated on me. He’d been my first proper boyfriend and we had been together for nearly 5 years by the time we parted. 6 months before I dumped the cheat, my horse also died and I started getting severe panic attacks and anxiety. I thought my number was up next. I’d lost my baby, my best friend and I had a boyfriend who told me that if I got upset over my horse having to be put down following complications after colic, he would leave me. I left him first due to his actions and moved back in with my mum and started training intensely at martial arts which I’d been doing for the past year and a half as a way of release. I would train 10-12 hours a week.  6 months after all that I went to Brazil with my Mum to drink Ayahuasca – she had already been and been told to bring me in a vision. Well, I feel in love with that place and went back for 6 months 3 months later.  I chucked in my really well paying job and that was the beginning of healing myself. I lived right by the beach surrounded by virgin rainforest. 6 months of shamanic studies, reading and long walks on teh beach helped me get over my panic attacks…

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part III

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C part 1

A still birth, a cesarean and a HWBA2C

This time 3 years ago I was around 3 months pregnant with my 3rd baby boy B. I had previously had 2 c-sections and was planning on having a home water birth (HWBA2C). My first pregnancy ended in a horrific still birth in hospital, after being tended by a complete bitch of a midwife, who clearly lacked empathy, skill, knowledge and understanding the entire time she tended me. I carried our boy to full term, 38 weeks + 1 day, which happened to be the 25th March 2001, also Mothers day that year.  It was obviously my first birth but the labour felt wrong and too painful the whole time, I kept asking the midwife (something Creegan) for help because I was in agony. She told me to take gas and air, which didnt help a tiny bit, just made me feel dizzy and nauseous on top of the band of burning pain engulfing my belly. The midwife literally didn’t give a fig. Her MOTHER called from Australia for instance and she left me alone with my now ex-boyfriend and my Mum to take the call which lasted around half an hour. I even asked my mum to get the midwife because I couldn’t handle the pain.  The midwife told her to leave her alone as she hadn’t spoken to her Mum for ages! she eventually came back, monitored me and then left to take another call! All the time I was in agony. At one point the midwife couldn’t find the heartbeat for about 20 minutes, so she called in someone else to ‘have a go’. 25 minutes later they still couldn’t find it. Somewhen in that time I felt wild thrashing in my tummy and was like whats going on?!? So they broke my waters with those horrid crochet hook/knitting needle looking things – the water gushed out with lots of merconium present so I was rushed straight to theater on a trolley, my Mum and now ex next to me. I remember looking up at my Mum, tears running down my face and saying – she killed my baby…. well they operated on me after they managed to assemble a team that is – they were very short staffed that evening. I basically arrived at hospital at midday, and then wasn;t operated on until 17:30. I remember being in theater and them asking me to count backwards from 10. I reached 3. When I awoke I was surrounded by the team and a couple of them were crying. I knew my baby was dead. I didn’t even know what sex teh baby was at that point, we couldn’t see on the scans! I was told he was on a life support machine, they’d managed to resuscitate him briefly but no luck… they told my Mum he was a ‘flat’ baby. She asked them what this meant. It’s like a flat beer, they told her. And if they would have managed to keep him alive, life expectancy – 10 years and severe brain damage and bound to a wheelchair for life. All that midwifes fault.  She actually had teh audacity to speak to me after and apologise!!! She said she thought that I had been putting on the pain I felt, and that she thought I was just too young (I was 19 at the time) to handle it. I asked her if she had children and she said no. How can anyone without their own experience of childbirth actually assist someone in giving birth. A stranger who doesn’t even know you… It was the worst time in my life and I never planned on having any more children as I was terrified the same thing would happen again. I ended up staying in hospital for 2 weeks after, on morphine, in pain, beyond grief. Suffering. Holding my dead son for a few days. not even being able to cry the pain cut me so deep. Having to even register J’s birth. Then get a death certificate and organise a funeral. The little white coffin with balloons on it, going to the crematorium and allowing them to burn his little remains along with a bunch of teddies and gifts 🙁


I just HAD TO share this post from Facebook. Thank you Russel Henderson, and I hope you don’t mind me sharing! Everyone should read this. But if you ever come across this and you want me to remove the article just say so 🙂

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”

“Of course I can,” said the father.

It’s not always anger, it is your actions in general. There are no “fresh starts” in life. There is no new beginning. Forgiveness comes easy for many people but the scars of the past, they never go away. Watch what you do today, because sometimes the price isn’t worth the reward.

Treating childhood illnesses

Treating childhood illnesses –  A page written by a mother about childhood illnesses. A very good, interesting read. Read about measles, whooping cough, atypycal measles in the vaccinated, mumps, chickenpox, Rubella (GERMAN MEASLES) and this mothers experiences with some of them,  a regular ‘should i vaccinate’ section with some really useful info and links regarding things like side effects stated on the MMR vaccine insert and some facts and figures. Also some info about pro-biotics, the benefits of garlic and homeopathy.

Childhood diseases can be good for you ‘Rudolf Steiner held the premise that several of the typical childhood illnesses are essential for the development of the growing child. If we avoid all of the typical childhood illnesses, our organism is unchallenged and doesn’t gain whatever it would from facing and overcoming the illness’ – Joseph Cooney, MD.

Toxic Mattresses can cause SIDS, is co-sleeping safer

Anthropological and developmental studies indicate that mothers and babies are biologically and psychologically made to sleep together in the same bed, not only to breastfeed but also to nurture them during the night. Since the first ever baby was born, babies have always slept with their mothers – babies aren’t meant to sleep divided from their mums, alone in a different room.

Nowadays, so much fear is instilled in mums not to co-sleep because of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). 90% of SIDS cases occur in infants under 6 months of age. Did you know that SIDS has only been a common occurrence since the 1950’s? This is when fire retardants and various chemicals started being used on mattresses and when the VACCINES given to infants started to increase (as they still are today!)

Since the 1950s, the typical baby/child/adult mattress materials has been replaced with cheap, petroleum-based synthetics. Near enough all mattresses today contain polyurethane foam, vinyl (PVC), phthalates, chemical fire retardants, petroleum based chemicals, and formaldehyde – as well as a host of other added industrial chemicals. Studies, for a while now, have been coming up with findings seriously questioning the safety of these materials.

Babies, children and adults can become ill by continual exposure to the low level of chemicals given off non-stop whilst sleeping. Babies are especially susceptible to these chemicals. Concern is mounting among physicians, health professionals, environmental advocacy groups, public safety officials, as well as consumers because of the possible effects of these chemicals on our children. Many researchers suspect toxic chemicals have a significant role in the dramatic increase in SIDS and childhood disorders.

RELATED LINK: Toxic Chemicals in Baby Crib Mattresses

The use of lead paint was once widespread before being recognised as toxic and banned. Same as this, many components of today’s baby mattresses are also toxic – currently these chemicals are still legal, though they are likely to be eventually banned as well. The sooner the better.

Babies and toddlers spend around 10-14 hours a day sleeping and playing on mattresses. Thus, the first months and years of their life’s, the mattress is the most used object in a child’s environment. Their every breath means they are breathing in these chemicals.

However, there are always alternatives – there are natural ORGANIC cotton based mattresses out there. Co-sleeping benefits are immense, greatly enhancing a baby’s emotional and physical well-being and when safe co-sleeping guidelines are adhered to, SIDS rates for co-sleeping babies are far lower than for babies sleeping alone in cots, separated from mummy.

Some related links on the benefits of co-sleeping:

Dr Sears

Natural Child

Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Not and Should Not Sleep Alone

Some doctors and researchers believe that during co-sleeping, the physiological regulation of the baby’s breathing and heartbeat with the mother’s makes co-sleeping safer in relation to SIDS.

A study done in the laboratory of James J. McKenna, Ph.D. of co-sleepers, 2 to 4 month olds, reveals that breastfeeding mums and their infants are highly sensitive throughout the night – throughout all sleep stages – to the movements and physical condition of the other. Mothers sleeping with their babies can easily respond to any changes in the baby – such as if it were choking or having trouble breathing.

CAUTION: consuming large amounts of alcohol/drugs impairs this ability, and can then cause SIDS.

If you co-sleep, make sure you make a safe sleeping space for your baby

Buy and read this book: Sleep safe in a toxic world 

DISCLAIMER: This information is for educational purposes only and is NOT meant to be SIDS prevention advice and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. NO claims are being made that co-sleeping or using a non-toxic mattress will prevent SIDS since this has not been 100% scientifically proven, and there can be other factors involved in SIDS. None of the information or options presented above or in related articles are considered to be SIDS prevention advice.

Vaccination must read

vaxx v unvaxx

What the vaccine industry doesn’t want you to know

Why Robert de Niro is backing Dr Andrew Wakefield

de Niro meeting with Jim Carrey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Grace De Niro (Robert’s wife) and Eric Gladen  Image of meeting

Actor Aidan Quinn talks about his vaccine damaged autistic child

Actress Alicia Silverstone supports de Niro – In 2014, Silverstone authored a parenting book titled, The Kind Mama: A Simple Guide to Supercharged Fertility, a Radiant Pregnancy, which included anti-vaccination views

CBS Reporter Ben Swann Tells the Truth About CDC Vaccine Cover-Up

Chief HPV Scientist Admits Vaccines Are A Deadly Scam   I actually read this about 2 years ago somewhere else, but always worth sharing again….

How plumbing, not vaccinations, eradicated diseases

124 papers linking vaccines to autism


Robert Kennedy on the Vaccine Autism Coverup

Vaxxed the documentary

Dr. Halvorsen on Wakefield and Vaccine Safety


Truth About Cows Milk

The majority of people believe that cows need to be milked and that they’d suffer if they weren’t. However if you think about it, cows milk was NOT made for humans, so before they were exploited, their biological system took care of itself.

We only consume the milk from cows that their calves don’t drink / cows produce too much milk and we drink the ’extras’. Not TRUE. TRUTH – Cows produce milk only after they have calves. Dairy farms artificially inseminate cows so that they calve. They give birth annually as milk flow lasts up to 10 months. The young are then cruelly taken away from their mothers when about a week old so profits can be made on the milk. The calves are then either killed for their meat, or sold to be raised in small veal crates. This is after having to go through journeys to and from livestock markets. They have no room to lay down and are given an inadequate milk substitute that results in under-nourishment and are then killed for their meat, called veal. They get iron deficient foods which keeps their flesh very tender and pleasingly pale to the customer.

The female calves are returned to the dairy herd to also produce milk and continue the cycle and supply ever more milk. When 15-months-old, artificial insemination begins – as does their laborious life as milk machines. After having to go through all these births, the cows are given antibiotics, hormones, appetite stimulants and assorted chemicals to increase milk flow and facilitate intensive farming. They are so over-milked they usually develop mastitis (udder infection). This is extremely painful (I have had it whilst breastfeeding my daughter and it there is no pain comparable to it!). Annually there are over a million cases in the UK. Antibiotics have failed to control it and legally, infected milk that contains up to 400million pus cells per litre can be sold for human consumption. Age 5 to 7 years old, dairy cows are killed and sold as meat, as they are totally exhausted and give out less milk and bring in less profits, although there average life span is 20 years. Modern dairy cows produce over 10 times more milk than their calves would drink – an enormous physical burden.

Milk is very hard to digest for humans, as its ONLY designed for calves

Hormones in milk linked to ovarian, breast and prostate cancer, as well as juvenile-onset diabetes. The saturated fat, cholesterol and animal protein contained are linked to many other diseases.

Despite relentless claims by the dairy industry, milk is not the only nor the best source of calcium and has little effect on bone strength. Nuts, seeds, broccoli, spinach, watercress and other plant foods are better and healthier sources.

Realated reading – Whats wrong with drinking milk

Another related link: Are organic dairy cows happier NO!!!

And – REAL MILK all about the goodness of grassfed, raw milk…